Why do so many relationships that begin with passionate declarations of love eventually collapse into bitterness, disappointment and sometimes outright hostility?
And why do people who once could not bear to be apart eventually find themselves unable to live together?
A reader recently asked me these questions, adding another: How can we recognise and attract a truly compatible life partner?
I believe the answer begins long before two people meet.
Many relationships fail because they are founded on the wrong priorities.
We live in a world where appearances frequently triumph over substance. Physical beauty, wealth, social position, professional success and family connections have become the principal considerations in choosing a life partner.
A beautiful face attracts. A comfortable bank account reassures. An impressive title excites. But none of these guarantees nobility of character.
Beauty fades. Fortunes fluctuate. Positions disappear. What remains when these external attractions lose their glitter?
The human being behind them.
Unfortunately, many people never bother to discover that human being before making lifelong commitments.
Some enter relationships because they fear loneliness. Others because their friends are getting married, their biological clocks are ticking, or their families are applying pressure.
And, astonishingly, some marry simply to spite a former lover, prove a point or annoy another person!
Imagine building a marriage upon resentment and expecting happiness to flourish.
Where one plants thorns, oranges cannot grow.
The Law of Cause and Effect does not suspend its operation because we call something love.
There is also the problem of moral character.
Dishonesty, selfishness, vanity, jealousy, uncontrolled passions and an unwillingness to accept responsibility are not minor imperfections that marriage will magically correct.
Marriage does not automatically ennoble one's character; it often reveals more clearly the qualities and weaknesses already present.
So, what should we seek?
First, we must recognise that compatibility is not merely a matter of shared tastes, social background or physical attraction.
Two people may enjoy the same music, food and holidays yet be profoundly incompatible in their understanding of life's purpose.
Conversely, two people may differ in temperament, interests and abilities while complementing each other beautifully.
The essential question is whether they share the same fundamental values.
Do they both cherish truthfulness, integrity, justice, purity of thought, consideration for others and the earnest striving towards spiritual maturity?
Do they recognise that earthly life is an opportunity for inward development rather than merely an endless pursuit of pleasure, possessions and prestige?
Can each support the other's growth without seeking to dominate, diminish or possess?
A truly compatible partner is not necessarily someone who resembles you, but someone whose nature complements yours and whose values strengthen your highest aspirations.
Such a relationship becomes more than companionship. It becomes a partnership in spiritual ascent.
But there is a further truth we must confront.
We cannot reasonably expect to attract a person of noble character while neglecting the development of our own.
If we desire sincerity, we must cultivate sincerity. If we seek loyalty, we must become trustworthy. If we long for purity, we must purify our own thoughts and intentions.
We must keep our inner eyes open, looking beyond outward attractions to discern the character, convictions and spiritual orientation of those we encounter.
And we must allow sufficient time for these qualities to reveal themselves.
The happiest relationships are not necessarily those without disagreements. They are those in which two inwardly striving individuals meet life's challenges with mutual respect, understanding and a shared commitment to what is good.
Their union then becomes a source of strength, not only to themselves but also to their children, families and the wider community.
Ultimately, the question is not simply:
Where can I find the right person?
It is also:
Am I becoming the kind of person with whom a truly noble relationship can flourish?
For enduring love is not merely something we find.
It is something we must become inwardly worthy of receiving, nurturing and sustaining.
4 comments:
Thank you for touching on the essentially spiritual foundation of lasting relationships.
Marriage like everything in life should be based on spiritual tenents that endures forever rather than mundane considerations that are ephemeral
An honest-to-goodness (truthful) counsel for anyone who wishes and prays for a balanced, healthy and happy life. I would also observe that even orange trees have thorns! So do Roses gardens! A bed of roses has beautiful flowers and is beautifully perfumed. But we should never forget that we can encounter thorns there as well!. But love overcomes all obstacles and challenges, no matter what!
Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts on such an intriguing topic. I wholeheartedly agree that enduring love is something we must first become inwardly worthy of receiving, nurturing, and sustaining. Ultimately, the work begins within each individual!
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